Glorifyzooners

Inside my head, I have this amazing machine. It takes any image, sound, or situation and does this Photoshop-type enhancement thing. It's like something out of a Dr. Seuss book - my own personal 'Glorifyzooner'. When I sing in the car, I sound like an angel. When I get dressed to go somewhere, I do a quick check in the mirror before heading out the door...FABULOUS! When I'm in class and do a quick mental rehearsal before raising my hand to ask a question, I'm certain that it's profound and sheer genius and my classmates will nod feverishly and I may even hear an "AMEN!" from the back of the room. As I drift off to sleep and think of the healthiest, most delicious lunches to pack for my girls, I dream of their ear-to-ear smiles as they open up their lunch boxes. Beams of light burst out of the boxes and shine onto their clean, smiling little faces as teachers and classmates will let out a collective "OOOOH!" as they marvel at the culinary works of art so carefully but effortlessly put together by the most talented, capable mother in the world.

Then...

I finish my comment in class and my professor responds with, "Sure. [looong pause as she looks around the room] Anyone else have a question or comment?" My children announce from the back seat that I really shouldn't sing because, "Well, Mommy... no offense....but your singing is kind of, a little bit....umm...t-t-terrible." A tagged picture someone managed to sneak of me appears on Facebook and I'm wearing this FABULOUS outfit...but my face is oddly long and oval shaped, my eyebrows look weird, my eyes are half closed, and my ass looks ENORMOUS! My girls return home from school with most of their lunches STILL in the box - barely touched - and they ask, "Mommy, can we buy lunch tomorrow? They're having popcorn chicken and chocolate cake."

Parents and teachers spend years helping children BUILD their Glorifyzooners. We spend countless hours convincing them that every picture they draw, outfit they put together, and recipe they invent is the most fantastic thing ever. Those who don't help them are considered callous and disheartened. If children don't build them, they are considered to have low self-esteem or a lack of motivation or age-appropriate creativity.

I'm not saying we're doing a disservice to children by boosting their self-esteem and confidence. People, children and adults, should have their own Glorifyzooners and use them regularly. Somehow though, as adults, we feel foolish for using them. We retire them and throw a sheet over them. Sometimes, we shrink them down to a little tiny travel version and use them very, very quietly and only a little tiny bit at a time.

Like a warm towel within arm's reach as I exit a hot shower, I need a buffer - something to make my reality a little warmer so the difference isn't so stark and shocking. A new machine, something to have with me throughout the day -this is what I need...ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed.

xoxo