It seems I now have two groups of readers. Of course, these groups total about three people, but they are still two distinct groups. One group is part of The Happiness Project. The other is not. For those of you (or that person) not part of this project, you may be wondering (or not) what it is and why I am doing it. To find out more about it, click on the button or visit the blog of our Team Captain.
To answer your question that you never asked, "Why are you doing this, Amy?", I have to explain it a little about my youth. I was a happy kid with the normal teen angst. I wanted more friends without the stereotypical popularity, I wanted to be a good student without putting forth any substantial effort. At home I wanted total freedom, I wanted my parents to just 'get it', and I wanted them to stay uninvolved in my personal life, but I relied heavily upon my father's open-mind and my mother's way of always making things seem like they were going to be a-okay.
It's no surprise, then, that I was in a constant battle with myself and the world. It was that frustration that comes from not being able to make things quite right. So begins the fruitless search for extrinsic contentment. Chemicals, boys, friends, misconduct, weird hair, really weird clothes...all things I did and tried in an effort to make things feel right. In the process, I had fun! I also created some pretty good memories along the way. What I didn't realize, however, was that I was shaping the person I am now.
All in all, I'm happy-ish. Well, I know I'm not unhappy. I still have plenty of moments that I struggle to find contentment...just a peace with my life. I want to break myself of the habit of always looking ahead (or off to the side, or up) in a way that I'm always almost saying, "I'll be truly happy when [insert any goal or milestone here] happens. I want to just be able to sit down into my life and feel content. Since I am an adult with children and a need for gainful employment, I need to avoid the chemicals, boys, and misconduct. I avoid the weird hair and clothes as a courtesy to my school-aged children. The friends? Well, honestly, they are few and [literally] far between. My children are an endless source of happiness. They absolutely make me smile more than anything or anyone else. But peace? No, not so much. In addition to the smiles, pride, and limitless love that I feel with them, being a parent also stirs up every insecurity and anxiety that ever planted roots in my psyche. I want to find that peace. I am participating in this project in an effort to move toward that peace.
Soooo...now you know! Will you come back to read?
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2 comments:
I loved your response. I could relate to a LOT of it, especially about alway searching for extrinsic sources of contentment. It wasn't until I started on my THIRD graduate degree that I realized degrees or jobs wouldn't bring it. I love that this project really attempts to work on raising our consciousness about our own responses and motivations.
Thanks for participating!
And THANK YOU for being the only to leave comments anymore! While I'm doing this for me, it's still nice to hear feedback. As I know you know, I should also be careful what I wish for :-)
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